Another day, in self isolation……..

Covid Blog #3 – As we go deep into the Northness….

This has been a tough two weeks, especially when you really thought you had a grasp on who you were, your identity, and place in this world. I am not sure if humbling is the word? That would denote that I understand my journey that took me to this moment, and I don’t. Everything I had going on, my routine, my career, my school, my life. They are fragmented, and look like a shadow of their former selves. When you invest so much into the external, you weaken your internal.

‘When the lights on you are brighter than the light from within, you run the risk of losing who you are, and what is authentic. That meta truth of Self, is what got you to this point in the first place.’

Covid is a positive disruption, a factory reset if you will?

I think I got caught up with who I can be, and lost track of who I am. I have done so much blogging, journaling these last few days, writing used to be a huge part of my recovery narrative. I worked on me, got myself better through the assistance of others. Somehow, somewhere I stopped tapping into my authentic self.

What I mean is, doing things for me, core soul work. I don’t mean splurging and going out for dinner after a hard day. But by creating a written discourse with myself, and by doing so I have become more self aware. Everyone sees who I am, and I am as authentic as I have ever been. But without writing, seldom if ever do I acknowledge the Self, I always acknowledge the Other in our social dyad that we live in. But this pandemic has made it so that I can take time to think about me, write about it and read it back. I get to process things in a more rounded and complete way.

Don’t get me wrong, with my traumas and mental illness, Covid-19 is extremely hard on me. But it is a positive disruption. I am returning to my natural state, and remembering who I was, and am falling back in love with the person I was meant to be.

The other day I submitted a blog just to see if the Mighty would publish it, and what do you know? They sent me an email saying they would….

The pure joy that I felt, I jumped around my bedroom like a kid at Christmas. I don’t remember that kind of pure joy. And it took the Covid-19 pandemic to return that innocence to me.

Sometimes my feelings, or lack of feelings or inability to use feelings, really makes life a smattering of frustration. But that one moment was an epiphany, and might be the start of that humbling my journey is to bring me….

Stay safe everyone, and look out for one another. Check back here tomorrow for another story about life in my apartment.

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