Moral Model of Addiction: A Disorder of Choice?

Jase Watford

Department of Social Work, Lakehead University

SOWK – 3415 WDE: Treatment, Drug and Alcohol Abuse

Professor Brenton Diaz

March 12^th, 2021

The Australian Department of Health defines the moral (choice) model of addiction as follows: “During the eighteenth and early nineteenth centuries addiction was viewed as a sin. Drug-dependent people were considered morally weak, and addiction was seen as a fault of one’s character. Under the influence of this model, users were punished with whippings, public beatings, stocks, fines, and public ridicule being relatively common. Spiritual direction was also a common treatment. Jail sentences were another form of punishment and at the turn of the century many more drug users were put in mental hospitals as the jails became full.” (p.1)

Utilizing various perspectives from the realms of social work, psychology and philosophy this paper will define, outline and question the centuries old modality of addiction, where choice sanctions as treatment and how our society is still somewhat loathe in accepting more modern, humane and ethical ideologies for the treatment of addiction and substance abuse disorders. Presently, for the most part, treatment of addiction isn’t uniform, and there are a number of private and public entities invested in determining what route of recovery is administered. For example religious organizations like the Salvation Army have long invested, time and money into addictions; with thousands of facilities all over the world they still use the moral model of addiction. Major Brian Matters from the Sydney based Eastern Command of the Salvation Army who is the former chair of the Australian National Council on Drugs and Drug Advisory Council cited his belief that addiction is sinful and summed up by his comments in Melbourne’s, Age newspaper on 5 January 2000: “I believe addiction is a sin.  I know it’s a medical and psychological problem, but the Bible tells us that sin is falling short of our potential.  It tells us we should not be mastered by things.  It also tells us to keep the body pure as it is the temple of the Holy Spirit.” The Salvation Army is not alone in possessing a very dark aged belief system as there are numerous other organizations around the world which work from that framework, included are “autonomous” groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, where the focus is on a God of your understanding who helps you address your sins and defects of character in their 12 step process. It is evident that religious belief can be used to foregoing science on occasion. To extract an example of the moral model from British history, which ironically is not very different from the present circumstances of our own addiction epidemic, but by 1720, a time that was known as gin madness, a period of intense consumption in Britain. This heavy consumption period of high alcohol percentage gin afflicted the poor and was rife among those who sought relief from their increasingly brutal and alienated lives. British sociologist Jonathan White noted how “Societies that favor structural inequality and uneven access to resources are unlikely to develop a discourse critical of social inequality.  Blaming drunkenness [and other social problems such as poverty, homelessness and child neglect] on the inherent moral weakness [or sinfulness] of the poor was popular right through to the end of the Victorian era.” (White, 2003) Australian journalist Cyril Pearl summarized this failure as the “Keystone of the respectable Victorian’s moral structure. In fulminating about the wickedness of the individual he was able to forget about the wickedness of society; ‘More Prayers’ was a much safer slogan than ‘Less Poverty.’” (Pearl, 1955)

Succeeding the temperance model (of just saying no), was the spiritual model which worked from the axiom that a disconnection from God or a Higher Power was the root cause of addiction. It is in this separation of their connection with a God of their understanding that causes people’s suffering because they fail to live according to God’s will and not thy will. It is because of this belief that recovery consists of establishing or re-establishing a connection with God or a Higher Power. By doing so this removes choice (free will) from the equation, for the exception of a singular choice to give your will over to a higher power and that by doing so God forgives all sins and you once again can walk a righteous path as determined by him. However, society as a whole has become more accepting of deontological thought (moving away from God) creating more free thinkers (philosophers, atheists, agnostics) who reject the idea that we cannot achieve self-mastery and autonomy.

A classic philosophical argument of Akrasia is “Aristotle’s explanation that such people are incontinent of will. ‘Akrasia’ is translated as “incontinence” or even more literally, “lack of mastery.” The akratic person cannot master his passions; he lacks that continence, which in Greek philosophy requires that reason control the emotions.” (Geppart, 2008) Aristotle doesn’t doom the akratic person, but instead pleads for them to adopt reason over emotion (Apollonian over Dionysian) which is the classic rational philosophical dialectic used to support the moral model of addiction. Where a moral failure (a failure to do what is right) causes addiction. Therefore, recovery consists of strengthening one’s will or motivation to behave in an upright manner. The concern however is that when will and choice is applied from a macro lens “The medical concept of disease has been disputed mainly by those advancing the role of choice in addiction. The difficulty in evaluating claims and viewpoints advanced by both parties is that many of those who participate in the discussion (therapists, researchers, policy makers) have either fiscal interests or a strong, often preconceived and thus mostly ideological, personal opinion about the status of the disease model.” (Nordic Study on Alcohol and Tobacco, 2013)  Normative thinking about addiction traditionally is divided between choice and compulsion especially regarding addiction, identity, and morality. American bioethicist, philosopher, and interdisciplinary researcher Brian D. Earp asks “Are persons with addiction free moral agents, for example, who are responsible for their behavior while under the influence of drugs, or for becoming addicted to drugs in the first place? Or are they passive victims of a “brain disease” and thus deserving of social support and medical treatment rather than stigma or moral censure?” (p.3) The question however, is it possible for a free moral agent to be a victim? If all people are free to choose, is it possible that their choices could make a victim of another? This form of questioning automatically assumes the agent has an intrinsic sense of self morality (what is good) and that it is shared as a universal truth with the other. According to Earp “Recent literature on addiction and judgments about the characteristics of agents has focused on the implications of adopting a ‘brain disease’ versus ‘moral weak-ness’ model of addiction.” (Earp, et al, 2019) However, in the field of addiction (most recently utilizing upstream ways of thought), Earp and the other authors had concerns that societal perceptions are still stuck in the past and that “Typically, such judgments have to do with what capacities an agent has (e.g., the ability to abstain from substance use). Much less work, however, has been conducted on the relationship between addiction and judgments about an agent’s identity, including whether or to what extent an individual is seen as the same person after becoming addicted.”  (Earp, et al, 2019)

Identity has long been used within addiction and recovery circles. Whether it is “I am an addict/alcoholic” or “I am 20 years clean/sober” the person’s identity is generally tethered to the narrative that they have given up all previous sense of self and are remaking themselves in the mould of the other. This makes it problematic, should that person stumble and relapse everything they had invested into that identity gets shattered and ceases to exist. Even though that person had 20 years of recovery, they are forced to start over at day one. This is the cause and effect of choice, but choice in accordance to a certain set of rules within the belief system

It is that the illusion of choice in this system works on the premise that there are free choices when in actuality all choices are manifested by the inherent system/model. How can you freely choose the direction for yourself when the paths provided are selected in advance by a biased arbiter or pre-existing pattern? This is where the problem of the disease model comes into play “Being in control of one’s action is constitutive of that person’s agency. If we accept, for the time being, that addiction is compulsate, a disease that the person seems to have no control over, we need an under-standing of that compulsion.” (Uusitalo, S. 2013)

So let’s take into context the phrase, the disease of addiction, there is no such thing as the disease of cancer. Compulsions with addiction, the individual is generally conscious of their choice, ergo consequences. A disorder is the appropriate definition of addiction behaviour. It is a drinking or drugging disorder. Similar compulsions exist with eating, gambling, high risk behaviour, often correlating with anxiety and OCD etc. Uusitalo maintains that “Affects are capable of influencing rational choices in at least two ways. First, anticipated positive affect raises the probability of choosing types of behaviour that yield such affect to the agent. In this way, anticipated reward motivates addictive behaviour. Second, existing negative affects such as depression, anxiety, restlessness, irritability or shame raise the expected utility of behaviours that offer the agent an escape from the present misery. In this way, psychological withdrawal symptoms and other negative affects motivate addictive behaviour, including relapses.” (p. 9) With compulsions, or other various behaviours. There has to be a sense of ownership. “Addicts, whether or not we say they have a disease, are often said to be characteristically ‘out of control’. When we say that someone is ‘out of control’ or acting ‘compulsively’, it is more than an abstract scientific claim used to identify a disorder. Like the claim that addiction is a disease, it is a claim with extensive practical and moral repercussions. Perhaps the most important repercussion is that if a person acts truly compulsively they are excused of moral responsibility for their drug‐seeking behaviour, either partially or in full.” (Bennett. 2010)

This isn’t to say that we return to the Draconian measure of shame and punishment. But to have an individual acknowledge how a person’s behaviour impacts themselves and society as a whole is a step in recognizing the other. Thusly, allowing for a measure of awareness which ultimately could constitute a step of change within the continuum

In a perfect world it would allow us to remove a certain view point, to make it less myopic, or to remove the blinders. We have to understand that for centuries, as civilizations formed and its people evolved, we as a society have clung to a widespread belief in free will, both philosophically and theologically. It is in that origin, one which is rooted in the possibility that if you lost this belief that it could become catastrophic. We must be conscious of that fact and be aware that there are governing forces which determine what we do, as an individual and as a people. That isn’t to say we do not have a choice, in our present society and using a North American lens, our code of ethics for example assumes that we can freely choose between right and wrong. By Christian norms this “moral liberty” allows for us to discern and pursue the good, instead of merely being compelled by appetites and desires.

German philosopher Immanuel Kant’s categorical imperative defined and aligned freedom and goodness. Kant argued that if we are not free to choose then we cannot choose the path of righteousness. Meaning Kant’s imperative is that free is an example that we are a means to an end, we are the means to our end, ours and ours alone and not the other way around. This paradox is at the centre and the crux of addiction and substance abuse disorders. By definition “the choice model holds that addictive behaviors are governed by universal principles of choice and motivation. (Rise & Halkjelsvik, 2019) Choice, according to our present society believes an individual or group of people make the choice to actively use substances. However, under the same school of thought and applying Kant’s imperative on free will, would/should these individuals not also be allowed (through client self-determination) to select their method of recovery? After all we are the means to our own end.

Norwegian psychologists Jostein Rise and Torlief Halkjelsvik highlight that “The scientific discourse about addiction has been dominated by two models: the disease model and the choice model. The former considers addiction as following a disease-like course, with behaviors that have taken control of the person–so-called compulsive actions.” (p.2) Summarily Rise states “Because free will is held to be a prerequisite for an agent to be punished for wrongdoing and praised for doing well, a number of scholars have posited a close relation between free will and moral responsibility. The main debate in philosophy revolves around whether free will and moral responsibility are compatible with determinism–the idea that whatever happens is fully determined (caused) by previous events and the laws of nature.” (p.4)

It is unfathomable that society is unable to collect in lock step and agree uniformly. Cast aside cultural and religious/spiritual beliefs because addiction does not segregate and isn’t selective. It has a single goal, to get you alone and kill you. It fools the mind into believing that it can survive without the body. That would be the behaviour of a disease and “The Disease View states that there is some “normal” process of motivation in the brain and that this process is somehow changed or perverted by brain damage or adaptation caused by chronic drug use.” (Foddy & Savulescu 2010) Addiction within people in today’s world is surrounded by choice, in that it is less about right or wrong and the good and bad, but about the choices in life that you have to make to survive. This places the emphasis on environmental predisposition, choices lead to consequences, and those consequences open a person up to greater or lesser risk of substance abuse. Just like any other disorder, or level of health an individual’s mental wellness, or the quality of life, stable income, etc. is based on their environment which is dictated by the social status and the system in which it dwells.

References

Australian Department of Health (2004). Models that help us understand AOD use in society. Medium. https://www1.health.gov.au/internet/publications/publishing.nsf/Content/drugtreat-pubs-front5-wk-toc~drugtreat-pubs-front5-wk-secb~drugtreat-pubs-front5-wk- secb-3~drugtreat-pubs-front5-wk-secb-3-4

Bennett, F. (2010). Addiction and its sciences—philosophy. Addiction Volume 106, Issue 1  January 2011 Pages 25-31. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1360-0443.2010.03158.x

Earp, B. D., Skorburg, J. A., Everett, J., & Savulescu, J. (2019). Addiction, Identity, Morality.     AJOB empirical bioethics, 10(2), 136–153.       https://doi.org/10.1080/23294515.2019.1590480

Edmund, H., & Melberg, h. (2013). Addiction: Choice or Compulsion. Front. Psychiatry, 07        August 2013 | https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2013.00077

Foddy, B., & Savulescu, J. (2010). A Liberal Account of Addiction. Philosophy, psychiatry, &        psychology : PPP, 17(1), 1–22. https://doi.org/10.1353/ppp.0.0282

Geppart, C. (2008). Aristotle, Augustine, and Addiction., Psychiatric Times Vol 25 No 7,             Volume 25, Issue 7. https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/aristotle-augustine-and-  addiction

Halpern, J. (2002). Addiction Is a Disease., Psychiatric Times Vol 19 No 10, Volume 19, Issue      10. https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/addiction-disease

Rise, J., & Halkjelsvik, T. (2019). Conceptualizations of Addiction and Moral Responsibility.       Frontiers in Psychology., 28 June 2019. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01483 https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.2478/nsad-2013-0004

Uusitalo, S., Nikkinen, J., & Salmela, M. (2013) Addiction, agency and affects – philosophical perspectives. Nordic Studies on Alcohol and Drugs Vol. 30. 2013. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.2478/nsad-2013-0004

White, J. (2003). The “Slow but Sure Poyson”: The Representation of Gin and Its Drinkers, 1736–1751. Journal of British Studies, 42(1), 35-64. doi:10.1086/342685

 Paper on Harm Reduction

Jase Watford

Department of Social Work, Lakehead University

SOWK – 3415 WDE: Treatment, Drug and Alcohol Abuse

Professor Brenton Diaz

Feb 12^th, 2021

Harm reduction, according to the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA)” is an evidence-based, client-centred approach that seeks to reduce the health and social harms associated with addiction and substance use, without necessarily requiring people who use substances from abstaining or stopping. Included in the harm reduction approach to substance use is a series of programs, services and practices. Essential to a harm reduction approach is that it provides people who use substances a choice of how they will minimize harms through non-judgemental and non-coercive strategies in order to enhance skills and knowledge to live safer and healthier lives.” (Thomas, 2005)

When I was homeless and living down on Vancouver’s lower West side, harm reduction was just being introduced. Due to some unforeseen circumstances and my precarious mental health, I lived out of my tent up and down East Hastings Street. Harm reduction was a running joke at the time it was being rolled out, for those of us with addictions anyway. Most of us understood the merits of trying to stop the spread of blood borne diseases (what harm reduction was originally created for). But the mixture of safe injection sites, and social workers asking us “if we could just use or drink or use less” was confusing. Especially when you are on skid row, it emphasizes the place and state (precontemplation) that we, or at least I was in (The Transtheoretical Model of Behavior Change). I have had the privilege and misfortune of having a front row seat in the evolution of harm reduction in Canada. I do my best to remain open minded and nonjudgmental about things, but I wish we knew then, what we do now. Perhaps I wouldn’t have tried out every variation of substance recovery? But if I hadn’t, would I have such a broad perspective into the world of addiction? From spending a month in a wet house in Nanaimo where doors locked at 8pm and we could actively use any substances under supervision as long as we stayed in the building until morning, to working on the front lines at a shelter where the sole requirement of the client is to practice abstinence and be free of any substance for the last 12 hours, I can tell you that I have seen a lot both personally and professionally.

Now if success were as black and white as the government would like us to believe, we would have a need for radical ideas in the harm reduction narrative. If the medical model wasn’t so black and white, these ideas wouldn’t be considered radical. Granted, my recovery was forged in the fires and brimstone of old school treatment techniques (grounded in God and the AA/NA ideology) where the counselors would do their best to break you, break the addict, and build back up the human inside. It was a time and place where pragmatism was eschewed for dogmatism. Kneel, sit, stand, alleluia. The wash, rinse, repeat type of brainwashing that harm reduction struggles to set itself apart from. Freethinkers are chastised for doing so; either convert or you get cast out. Not a single person in self-help groups has the exact same type of recovery, which is what leads a lot of people (including me) for support elsewhere. This Draconian measure of psychology’s operant conditioning (BF Skinner) is the use of reinforcement and punishment as a means to treat addiction and substance abuse. And when a person slips, or relapses the support stops until the individual comes back through the doors sober/clean admitting their wrongs/sins. Within this method substance recovery was toxicity stacked with guilt and shame. Methods that were (and are still in some agencies) commonplace with professionals.

Regarding structuralism flaws and their relations the French philosopher Michel Foucault once stated that “it’s obvious that detention and prison ‘reformation’ don’t reduce delinquency or crime” (p.119). Therefore it makes no logical sense to treat people with a substance abuse disorder like criminals. Unlike crimes or criminal recidivism, addiction recovery or in this case relapses and slips would be steps of progress not to be penalized. Counsellors who began adopting strength-based approaches (in both my personal and professional experience) changed the landscape, where myself and others like me found some footing, and subsequently a better quality of life psychosocially. The stick or carrot routine doesn’t encourage an individual to move along the spectrum without incurring various levels of trauma. Meet a client where they are at, work with them to move along that spectrum and meet their goals no matter how big or small because success looks different to everyone.

We have come a long way societally, in our understanding of the co-morbidity of addiction and mental health (the underpinning socioeconomic factors that impact an individual at risk). What needs to happen now is: expanding social pillars from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to the Social Determinants of Health, connecting the silos, working together federally/provincially in a such a way that agencies can focus on upstream thinking and system navigation, serving the individual and community at risk. Addressing of the systemic barriers and the government who continues to make money off of the backs of vulnerable people, thusly creating a cycle of issues reducing the effectiveness of harm reduction. The government both enables and treats addiction, the government provides the funding for social supports but at the same time profits off tobacco, gambling, alcohol and marijuana sales. This is extremely problematic in the narrative of social progress. The government has made society complicit in socially-assisted addiction and socially-assisted suicide. Locally, considering the high levels of addiction, our city has only one managed alcohol program. It assists 10 of the most severe cases in the city. We have 4 OATC sites, and approximately 10 pharmacies which deal with addiction treatment. In my experience, having worked at an addiction treatment pharmacy for a year, it was evident that they were harm reduction in name only. The goal was to get as many clients on methadone so they would make more money, yet treat individuals with the same cold harshness that lends itself to the reward and punishment model of the past. At times it felt as if we were back in 2007 when the Conservatives replaced Canada’s Drug Strategy with a new National Anti-drug Strategy.

In Thunder Bay, homelessness, addiction and inclement weather are also serious issues. Over the past 2 years I have worked for a couple of agencies that provide shelter from the elements. These are low barrier shelters where each client receives a warm meal, warm bed, laundered clothes, or new clothes during their supervised stay. In the morning they can shower and have breakfast before they are sent on their way. It is unfortunate that a good portion of Thunder Bay opposes these agencies and their operations because they don’t see any (on the surface and immediate) effort towards fixing or changing people and their issues. While they do act like a palliative care unit, they are on the harm reduction spectrum in that they provide an easier time for a person which addresses some of the social determinants of health and grants them time to potentially make some changes in their lives.

Getting society to change their viewing lens is a challenge. Most socialists (me included) will argue that capitalism is a present form of oppressionand if the government was honestly interested in taking action in actual harm reduction it would address all predatory actions. For example: remove all cheap high alcohol percentage booze from the beer/liquor store shelves. Those beverages only serve one purpose, and it isn’t to provide convenience to the consumer, but to monetize the need for consumerism forgoing the social cost. What does it say when the LCBO and Beer Stores are considered essential services? That isn’t to say that we as people aren’t responsible for our choices. But the government should also be accountable for their choices, especially when it comes to the collective well-being of its people.

Presently my city has a functioning crack pipe, needle and syringe exchange program, one supervised consumption site for First Nations individuals, limited street outreach, and a drug substitution methadone maintenance treatment program. But we need more harm reduction services. Unfortunately we are nowhere near where we should be. I sit on a couple Ontario opioid working groups and would like to see Thunder Bay implement the Safer Opioid Supply (SOS) pilot program that Ottawa has rolled out. The SOS “is a low-barrier model intended to reach people who are alienated from other models of health care delivery as a result of structural barriers that prevent those impacted by homelessness, poverty, mental health issues, racism and stigma from accessing needed care. It is administered by a network of primary care clinicians and delivered out of Community Health Centres and primary care clinics.” (p.2)

It is very easy to look at where we are and say that we haven’t got what we need, or we aren’t where we should be. In the last 20 years, both personally and professionally I have witnessed a tremendous amount of progress collectively as a society. But philosophically, not because I am a philosophy major but that I believe the solution to the human condition is on an individual basis, there is no one size fits all, or utilitarian broad brush stroke, especially when it comes to substances. I find harm reduction to be the stable ground in which we can collectively (as agents of change) work together with individuals one on one to provide them with some semblance of consistency and support so that they may reconnect to the collective. Combat the addiction isolation and determine their route, and the process that suits them best.

It is a critical time for harm reduction in Canada. There is a growing overdose epidemic within the present Covid-19 viral pandemic. There are not enough federal political changes that protect vulnerable populations. The types of community supports (environmental, economic, social, mental, physical, and cultural) over the last year dried up. Leaving many agencies where individuals rely for system navigation unable to connect to clients as frequently or not at all. According to the Canadian Association of Mental Health (2021) “Disruptions in mental health and addictions services are affecting people in need of support. People are often experiencing inconsistencies in service provision.” (p.3)

In Thunder Bay specifically; access to addictions counselling just now has come back online (for those who have the luxury of internet and device access). Agencies that provided safety kits (clean needles, pipes etc.) and other various in house supports were not doing so for the first 5 or 6 months of the pandemic. Shelters were either closed, or restricted, there was no treatment centres taking new clients. Self-help groups took a while to get online and provide support through Zoom. Our First Nations community prior to the pandemic was already struggling with their people ingesting large numbers of non-palatables. And with the pandemic access and supply to those items became limited, we had a spike in overdoses because the addiction had to be satiated one way or another. Having worked the last 8 years on the frontlines locally and primarily with First Nations individuals I witnessed what little support they had disappear in what seemed like moments.

Waiting for the pandemic to end, before we go back out there and resume what we were doing isn’t proactive. And as if we weren’t already playing catch up? I can tell you from a frontline perspective personally and professionally that addiction continues to evolve, addiction doesn’t take time off for the pandemic, and if anything it thrives in self-isolation. Harm reduction in theory is upstream thinking and a good start, but the social acceptance and government applications move at half the speed. So until we can match addiction and substance abuse speed for speed we will always be playing catch up. And that is why harm reduction has intrinsic value, it is our acceptance of systemic drawbacks, so it allows for less suffering. We cannot remove addiction outright, but we can at least make it more comfortable while we work on it.

References

CAMH – Provincial System Support Program. (2020). Experience Exchange. Our voice is being

lost: What people with lived experience are saying about equity & human rights responses to COVID-19, 1–7.

Horrocks, C., & Jevtic, Z. (1999) Introducing Foucault. New York, New York: Totem Books.

Lewis, J., Dana, R., & Blevins, R. (2019) Substance Abuse Counseling. Boston: Cengage  Learning Inc.

Safer Opioid Supply Programs (SOS). (2020, April 02). A Harm Reduction Informed Guiding Document for Primary Care Teams. Medium. https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vTMQEhchBfmTjeBxpDRi6w7pXE5EDuInMiKARuxBcxvFUtjPmqk8l7AFPGYvWn3hOHWkTMo8-m5QPI0/pub?urp=gmail_link&gxids=7628

Thomas, G. (2005) Harm Reduction Policies and Programs Involved for Persons Involved in the Criminal Justice System. Ottawa: Canadian Centre on Substance Use

I have to journal log this, maybe it is a processing thing? I am unsure. I was working on stuff for my job, and had music on shuffle, being a former DJ of over 20 years —- my folder is deep.

Bob Sinclar – World Hold On

Comes on…….. I freeze up as the opening notes hit.

My time on ships was lengthy, I saw a lot. That Sinclar track was huge, the world at that time was messy. It was an anthem. I played it a lot. We had a run that landed us for overnights in Russia (St Petersburg) and it turns out there was a club that Sinclar and Guetta were playing (pre Guetta fame, Sinclar was actually the big star, I know hard to believe) We get to this club, 3 levels multiple DJs, I have the whole night and invested in that, found some Russian X and drank to match it. The lights were so bright, the songs so loud.

Trying to work from floor one to floor two, I opened a door, and what I saw was a room the size of a gym, and shoulder to shoulder was the hottest women, but all sitting down like it was a gym address about to start. It was about 300 young women in their very best Sunday dress. I step in, not knowing what I saw, only to look to my left, where a big fucking monkey with an AK47 is standing. I bow awkwardly, say bathroom? and walk out.

Thing is…… I went right back to the party and dismissed it. Out of sight out of mind. I mean how do you process that? For me at that time, I didn’t know jack about prostitution and human trafficking.

So Sinclar pipes up in my headphones, my hands raise and I sway to the beat remembering the beaches where I heard it. Singing along, and then the tears just start streaming because I start to process what I saw. The tears continued long after the song ended.

It has been a shit week, those foxes I was feeding and taking care of. One was run over by a car and lost his foot. I didn’t see it, but at the university, the only predators, are man. Their den is beside the road. The foxes have no fear of humans…. Maybe that is on me, and everyone who took them as novelties and didn’t respect their space as wild animals.

I found him a day ago at 6 pm and he came up to me like nothing was wrong, just hopping. I panicked…. But….. There wasn’t a number to call, and I watched him hobble off into the woods. Now I have felt helpless many times in my life, but I cried so damn hard because I couldn’t help.

There is extra guilt because I encouraged people to visit, even made a video. Was it my fault? No probably not, nature is as nature does. The fox with a fatal injury did his days business, still came up and recognized me, no yelp, or complaint. Looked right at me, and hopped off, cause at the end of the day the fox has to keep foxing regardless.

Meanwhile I am crying my way back home.

I am not as tough as the fox. And that is what I take from this, no matter how hard life is, you don’t quit. I live with a broken mind, and arguably a broken heart and soul. I have incurred a lot of damage over the years. But that fox didn’t blink, it was hunting for food, missing a foot. In that one moment I saw that the fox had everything I needed for life. It isn’t courage, or cultivating a strong mental aptitude. I didn’t will myself off the street. Worked hard yes, but literally put one foot after another in the right direction. The fox wasn’t thinking about tomorrow, which was why he was happy to see me. Everything is about today. make today count and tomorrow should be a decent starting block for a good day. Be wily, like the fox.

Now we go back to that song, the Bob Sinclar song. Halfway, I am going into it, the tears are rolling and the memories come back….

Today….. Right fucking now….. As I write this, because I have to purge this shit…. I have done a lot of bad things, which will get journalled here at some point as I use this space to process, and prepare for my book. Sounds arrogant that I expect a book. But what is in this head, has a book and a sequel. That isn’t bragging cause it speaks to the trauma of my life, and the people willing to buy books to read about other people’s trauma…… People always slow their vehicles to view the traffic accident.

But to let it all out….. I remember a room full of women, all sitting down. row by row. I don’t know what they were doing there, but I doubt they were gonna be popping out at midnight for Vladimirs 30th. Then I was like whatevs….. Now knowing what I do about the world, I saw some underbelly. Now I have a lot of Russian underbelly stories to speak about. But this one was something not in the plans to speak of…..

We come back to me being powerless in a moment. So in a moment, sometimes we can’t be a hero. But what we can do is talk about things, create a conversation. There was a saying I heard in treatment, your secrets make you sick. This isn’t a secret, but it is something that needs to be talked about.

On a song that was meant to inspire and provide hope, I was dancing….. Until I was crying….. Human trafficking is real, everywhere. Gangs are a problem, as someone who was affliated with a major gang, 3 of my friends were killed because of debts. Now I was asked to do a lot of bad things and got out before I died, or ended up in jail. Take care of one another, there is always a better way, even though it may seem bleak and that you got nothing.

I write this to an audience of zero, which is fine, I can PSA all I want, it is a cathartic thing. But maybe one day someone else reads this and learns something from it?

So then stay tuned for next week when we talk about…. Hopefully something better than this.

Oh wait, happy caveat. Looks like school isn’t off the table for me. The one day I am a doctor has lifeblood. The world isn’t that bad, so hold on, world hold on!!!!

Remember, black lives matter, and in my city brown lives matter, make your voice count, stand with others at a time of need. Show love, kindness, but mostly patience. We cannot understand someone else’s struggles, but we sure as shit can stand beside them as they work through it!!!!

Many songs for the time to choose from, but I want something softer. Leaving you with Outkast, Rosa Parks

Well hello everyone,

I never thought that my own personal social isolation would actually serve as some sort of community purpose? Anyone who knows me, knows that I have watched a lot of movies and a lot of T.V. and that there is very little that I have not seen or at least heard about.

Because Covid-19 has put everyone on lock, I have taken the time to dig into my deep knowledge of showbiz in hopes to help keep people occupied with entertainment.

So what I have done is created a comprehensive list of shows and movies that you should or should not watch (this blog is T.V. shows and the next will be movies). I will break down shows/movies over the last 2 years by streaming service, provide a small synopsis, and a rating system. The rating system will be Siskel and Ebert esque, 2 thumbs up, 1 thumb up 1 thumb down, 2 thumbs down, or the middle finger. I admit I added that last one, but some shows might even get 2 middle fingers.

The Mandalorian (Disney) – This show is a lot more than Baby Yoda, but really all you need is Baby Yoda. Yes it is Star Wars, but you don’t need to know anything about Star Wars to watch it. Very enjoyable show for first timers, and for those who know the canon well, really enjoy it.

The Outsider (HBO) – Generally Stephen King adaptations are really crappy, but this one delivers. Without giving too much away, it uses a cast of relatively unknowns to tell a supernatural-esque story. Very binge worthy.

The Expanse (SYFY/Amazon Prime) – This is an absolute science fiction masterpiece. 4 seasons of story line brilliance, incredible acting to match the plot. My favorite show to watch, it has that wow factor that Lost had back in the early millennia. The show is all based in space, so it would be like a sexier version of Battlestar Galactica.

The Magicians (SYFY/Netflix) – Wrapping up it’s final season, this is my dark horse show. An adult Harry Potter, sublime acting and character development without the cheese. If you want a show to escape into, this show has it all, great story and hilarious writing.

Travelers (Netflix) – Can’t believe they wrapped the show up. Stars Will (of Will and Grace fame) where people from the future beam back into present bodies to change the future. This show is so well crafted, the story arc is amazing, the casting and acting is sublime. Just so worth watching!!!

Hanna (Amazon Prime) – Wow was this such a good show, I thought the movie was good, but man. Has a movie star cast, the writing and plot is excellent, I want a second season!!!!

The Circus (Showtime) – My only real life political show on here. It is a masterclass in reporting. It has covered Trump since the very beginning, before he was elected. Very in deep and honest take of everything going on in the American political landscape. If you miss the days before the pandemic, watch this from the start, it is in my top 5.

Hot Zone (National Geographic) – This show was amazing, except about the ebola virus soooooooo, not totally fitting to the current global crisis. But if the pandemic isn’t bothering you at all, this is well worth the binge.

Penny Dreadful (Showtime) – This show just never took off, but is soooooo good. If you like noir types, shows about myths and lore (Frankenstein, Dracula) this is a fresh and smart take, with some real panache. Based on the penny dreadful sensational tales of horror.

Westworld (HBO) – This show is not the movie, that is certain. This show is diabolical, and layered deeper than an onion. Hard to binge because of the density. But if you like your mind fucked with. This is the show to watch. It reminds me of Hannibal, with their cerebral artistry, so many Easter eggs that will have you rewinding a lot.

Chernobyl (HBO) – We all know the story, at least we thought we did? Brilliant acting, and moving series about the events in Russia. In my top 5 this year.

Devs (FX/Hulu) – Still new, 4 episodes in. Has a lot of promise and is super weird. I am hoping that it stays this way. Probably a show that you want to binge from start to finish because I am hating that I have to wait a week to watch it.

Terror (AMC) Imagine if American Horror Story was actually good?? AMC does drama, that isn’t a lie. These are like good old fashioned horror stories you read as a kid, made for T.V. Each season is different, with world class acting and plot development.

World of Dance (NBC) – How did this get in here you ask? I love dancing, and these are the best in the world. This show is in a class of it’s own for me. Every style, every age group. Just a balls out winner takes all competition. Not a reality show, just emotion evoking, world class story telling through dancing.

Wutang, an American Saga (Hulu) – The story of the Wu Tang clan, and not a cheese docu-series, it is acted by some talented kids. And of course, the soundtrack is top notch!

The Sinner (USA) – A 3 season long playing crime drama, with some really mind fucking underpinnings. Great story development and acting, season 3 isn’t as strong as the other 2.

See (Apple TV) – This show is world class, Jason Momoa plays a chief leader on post apocalyptic earth where everyone has lost their sight. Very worth your time to binge it.

Castle Rock (Hulu) – This show is superb. You have to binge both seasons back to back, there is just too much going on that if you disrupt it you will end up missing some of the important pieces. Season 2 introduces Misery origins (Stephen King) and it might be the most intricate of shows that I have listed.

Pennyworth (Epix) – Batman’s butler before the world got dark and superhero laden. This is a really clever gangster underground crime syndicate type show based in the UK. Very under rated.

Swamp Thing (Amazon Prime) – This show got canceled right out of the gate due to filming issues and consequences. Which is rather unfortunate. It isn’t your typical superhero show and was really enjoyable. Great plot, cast and acting. Shame it was cut.

Nightflyers (SYFY) – This show is the 2nd best space sci fi behind the Expanse, it is a rollecoaster, only 1 season but it is intense and packed with so much action and plot twists

Man in the High Castle (Amazon Prime) Adaptation of a Philip K Dick novel, kind of a mind fuck based on an alternate timeline, if the Nazi’s won the war. Super unique show, and it has kept me busy through 3 seasons now.

Star Trek Discovery (CBS) – Lemme say it, I am a Star Wars guy. But this is really good, 2 solid seasons with wild colors and efx. The story is unique and matches the new movies. You do not need to know anything about Star Trek, but if you are a Trekkie, make sure to dig out the ‘Star Trek’ shorts that were released in between seasons 1 and 2.

Haunting on Hill House (Netflix) – Very rarely has there ever been a good horror/thriller T.V. series. Typical plot, we have a house, and the house is haunted. But I really enjoyed this, and as a horror movie buff I am ultra critical. This meets the standards needed. A lot of jump scares with a logical and enjoyable plot.

Rick and Morty (Adult Swim) – My favorite show period, ultra intelligent, super funny, but an acquired taste. It is a cartoon family and Rick the grandfather is a scientific genius. If you are 420 friendly this will probably already be on your playlist.

Ash vs Evil dead (Starz) -YES YES YES YES!!!! This is just like the movies. Cheese horror and gore, chainsaws, demons and tacky dialogue. This show is my guilty pleasure, and reminds me of why I fell in love with horror movies in the first place.

Watchmen (HBO) Not the movie at all, and very much like the graphic comic. This is deep, riveting and packed with social commentary through art. There is no 2nd season sadly, which is a shame.

The Rook (Starz) – I loved this show, science fiction, people with telekinetic abilities, but it isn’t overloaded and superhero’d up. It was a really good drama, with the best soundtrack I have heard on a show.

The Widow (Amazon Prime) – Kate Beckinsale stars in this story of tracking down her lost husband. Sounds simple enough but there are so many plot twists, this is in my top 10. I can’t state it enough that this show was super under rated. It has no holes in it, has an excellent cast, and keeps you wanting to watch the next episode.

Marco Polo (Netflix) – Another show that wasn’t a huge hit, but was really excellent. The acting, story arc, action scenes. I won’t ruin it for you, if you start it, you won’t stop watching it. Highly recommended.

Dracula (Netflix) – Like 3 movies instead of episodes, refreshing take on the story of Dracula. I don’t want to spoil anything, but if vampires are your thing, this won’t let you down.

Doom Patrol (FX) – This comic book adaptation I was certain, was going to be a tire fire. It turned out to be really odd and different all while being truly entertaining. Like if the island of misfit toys all had superpowers and had to save the world, awkwardly.

The Ride With Norman Reedus (AMC) – I am not a big fan of the Walking Dead, or motorbikes to be honest. But Reedus is a story teller, and this show is soothing and cinematic. If you have anxiety with things right now, I recommend this 100% also if you also like the Walking Dead, this is a must watch.

Project Blue Book (History) – Yes, a new alien show to fill the gap that X Files left. This plays out more like a docu-series kinda, but is one of those shows that you can have on and enjoy the conspiracy of ‘are they really out there???’

Altered Carbon (Netflix) – Mixed feelings, movie stars were cast, but the show never really delivers. Imagine a space based science fiction version of John Wick. If that tickles your fancy then all power to you. I watched both seasons but was underwhelmed with what I watched.

Survivor (CBS) – This show isn’t all that great jumping in currently. There is a lot of backstory, and you have to really enjoy watching people in extreme circumstances. It is a social experiment and over the years it really does tackle a lot of hard hitting social issues. If you can get access to earlier seasons and watch it from the beginning, there is a lot of fun to be had killing time on this show. — You will notice that this is the only reality T.V. show on my list. I made this list as a means of escaping people behaving stupidly. If you want some of that, just go to the grocery store.

Transplant (CTV) – Probably my only Canadian show. An immigrant doctor working in a Canadian hospital. Very simple story but very watchable.

Channel Zero (SYFY) – If you like American Horror Story, this shouldn’t let you down, really edgy and creepy on their horror like take. All seasons start new with a different story.

FBI (CBS) – This is what it is. FBI hunting down criminals, I shouldn’t like it, but I do….

Mars (National Geographic) – Neat show, half fact and half fiction. What if we went to Mars?

Deadly Class (SYFY) – If you like punk music or style, this is very much an anti-establishment group of young assasins.

Castlevania (Netflix) – This is my only anime on here, taken from the original Nintendo game, they have advanced the story, I enjoyed it until the last season

Treadstone (USA) The origin of the program that created Jason Bourne, spy stuff, espionage, sexy sexy sexy.

Wynonna Earp (SYFY) – What if Wyatt Earp had a granddaughter heir, who fought the ghosts of the criminals Wyatt killed? This show will uncover that ….. It has Doc Holliday too!!

Warrior (Amazon Prime) – Kung Fu at it’s finest, nothing modern, just excellent kung fu, and kung fu story lines.

Briarpatch – Starring Rosario Dawson, still in it’s first season. This is like Quentin Tarantino had a less talented brother who tried to make a Tarantino film. It isn’t bad, but it isn’t good.

Vikings (History) – This is a long running show, a perfect fit for being locked inside, if you like Vikings of course. This is a unique but captivating show, a little history, and a little creative liberty. The cast is one of a kind, and absolutely gorgeous.

Mindhunter (Netflix) – First season was absolutely brilliant, the second was like the director stood in the middle of the creative writers meeting and took a huge shit. Sorry, I haven’t been that let down since the ending of Lost.

S.W.A.T. (CBS) – I don’t know how I watch this, totally mindless, but isn’t terrible.

Seal Team (CBS) See above.

The Blacklist (NBC) – Hard to believe that this show has staying power, I didn’t think it was sustainable but yet here we are. Not bad, not great. Not binge worthy, but here and there it can serve a purpose.

24 Hours, to Hell and Back (Fox) – Chef Gordon Ramsey, yelling at people for being stupid. He does what we all wish we could.

Star Trek, Picard (CBS)- Yes he is getting old, but these new reboots of Star Trek are really snazzy and have deeper character development than before. We have Romulans and the Borg. The season goes quick and easy, the only draw back is that you probably have to have watched STNG or the movies to get the full depth of what they are putting down.

Homeland (HBO) – The first season was unreal, and has kind of petered out since. Government spy stuff in the middle East, those days have been played to death in Hollywood I think.

Evil (CBS) – Weird seeing Luke Cage as a priest. Religion versus science, kind of a neat show, certainly easy to watch.

The Walking Dead (AMC) – Zombies, and people killing zombies. This show just won’t end. It is like Supernatural that way. I am still watching this because I am pot committed. I am past the point of no return, I just want to see the ending now. I am Neegan.

The 100 (CW) – Like most CW shows, it is super trashy, overselling the sexy, hoping it can mask the stink of bad acting and plot twists. But for some reason I keep watching this, like Arrow or the Flash. I play it to numb out from the real world.

Supernatural (CW) – After season 3 they should have ended it. Poor Castiel having to endure more and more seasons. Thankfully this is the last season. Dean’s liver can’t take anymore and he should check into booze and sex rehab.

Stranger Things (Netflix) – The first season was excellent, everything after that was unwatchable. Excellent 80s vibe that brings you back to that era of T.V. and movies. The first season ends well that if you walk away after that you won’t feel like you wasted time.

The Witcher (Netflix) – Henry Cavill (Superman) is a mythical half breed of some kind? I donno, I watched the season but can’t say I retained much, for the most part this show is forgettable.

Lost in Space (Netflix) – The first season was pretty good, the 2nd not so much. No matter how many times they remake Lost in Space the story dooms them. They get lost in space…..

Prodigal Son (Fox) – Has a power packed cast, but it seems like they are trying too hard to be edgy. Like a poor man’s Hannibal.

Chilling Adventures of Sabrina The Teenage Witch (Netflix) – I watched the first season, but bailed on the 2nd. This is pretty terrible. I loved the Archie universe growing up, but this takes it too far. It almost should be a CW show for the overt sexualization and lack of plot.

Barry (HBO) – Now I wanted so badly to like this. I love Henry Winkler and Bill Hader, but I just couldn’t get into it. It has won a lot of awards, and is popular but something about it makes me turn it off every time I try to watch another episode.

Black Mirror (Netflix) – Very Twilight Zoney, an acquired taste that I haven’t…. well acquired. A couple of episodes are okay? I don’t get the hype, I suppose that is why it has a cult following.

Manifest (NBC) – OMG is this show trash, it was like what if we combine all the greatest sci fi show ideas and use all the failed shows our network has put on about disappearing planes and people and blend them all together?

The Boys (Amazon Prime) – The aquaman knock off getting his gills abused. Google it, and that scene tells you all you need to know about this show.

Avenue 5 (HBO) – Imagine a cruise ship with coronavirus in space. This show is so bad that I wanted to find the director so that I could rifle through his pockets to get back the hour he stole from me.

Carnival Row (Amazon Prime) – There was so much hype surrounding this release to push the Amazon streaming service as it launched. That hype got me, I admit it, it got me to forget completely that Orlando Bloom cannot act. I watched the entire season and I am not a better man for having doing so.

Pandora (CW) – Remember me saying earlier, about CW making the sexy so heavy you don’t see how trash the show is? I watched the whole season. I feel dirty inside.

Well that’s it, hopefully there are some on this list that you haven’t seen and help you stay occupied.

Stay safe everyone, and look out for one another. Check back here tomorrow for another story about life in my apartment.

If inclined you can subscribe to me on youtube, follow me on Linkedin, Insta or Twitter.

Even better add your email to the mailing list for updates and new posts. If you want to comment, feel free to comment. Who knows, maybe I will reply? Or maybe not? The Mighty posted my blog and I am famous now. Famous people don’t bother with lesser forms of humans!!! Ahhhh who am I kidding of course I will, the Mighty will just give me more access to human interaction!!! The saying goes ‘strangers are merely friends that I have not met yet.’

Another day, in self isolation……..

Covid Blog #3 – As we go deep into the Northness….

This has been a tough two weeks, especially when you really thought you had a grasp on who you were, your identity, and place in this world. I am not sure if humbling is the word? That would denote that I understand my journey that took me to this moment, and I don’t. Everything I had going on, my routine, my career, my school, my life. They are fragmented, and look like a shadow of their former selves. When you invest so much into the external, you weaken your internal.

‘When the lights on you are brighter than the light from within, you run the risk of losing who you are, and what is authentic. That meta truth of Self, is what got you to this point in the first place.’

Covid is a positive disruption, a factory reset if you will?

I think I got caught up with who I can be, and lost track of who I am. I have done so much blogging, journaling these last few days, writing used to be a huge part of my recovery narrative. I worked on me, got myself better through the assistance of others. Somehow, somewhere I stopped tapping into my authentic self.

What I mean is, doing things for me, core soul work. I don’t mean splurging and going out for dinner after a hard day. But by creating a written discourse with myself, and by doing so I have become more self aware. Everyone sees who I am, and I am as authentic as I have ever been. But without writing, seldom if ever do I acknowledge the Self, I always acknowledge the Other in our social dyad that we live in. But this pandemic has made it so that I can take time to think about me, write about it and read it back. I get to process things in a more rounded and complete way.

Don’t get me wrong, with my traumas and mental illness, Covid-19 is extremely hard on me. But it is a positive disruption. I am returning to my natural state, and remembering who I was, and am falling back in love with the person I was meant to be.

The other day I submitted a blog just to see if the Mighty would publish it, and what do you know? They sent me an email saying they would….

The pure joy that I felt, I jumped around my bedroom like a kid at Christmas. I don’t remember that kind of pure joy. And it took the Covid-19 pandemic to return that innocence to me.

Sometimes my feelings, or lack of feelings or inability to use feelings, really makes life a smattering of frustration. But that one moment was an epiphany, and might be the start of that humbling my journey is to bring me….

Stay safe everyone, and look out for one another. Check back here tomorrow for another story about life in my apartment.

If inclined you can subscribe to me on youtube, follow me on Linkedin, Insta or Twitter.

Even better add your email to the mailing list for updates and new posts. If you want to comment, feel free to comment. Who knows, maybe I will reply? Or maybe not? The Mighty posted my blog and I am famous now. Famous people don’t bother with lesser forms of humans!!! Ahhhh who am I kidding of course I will, the Mighty will just give me more access to human interaction!!! The saying goes ‘strangers are merely friends that I have not met yet.’

Kind of a boggy sleep, might have had some dreams? Might not? One of those inconsequential sleeps where you wake up ambivalent and slightly disoriented. I had set an alarm for 12:15 pm because I could…. Also I had scheduled an online meeting on Zoom with some of my fellow Humanities 101 colleagues (wonderful Lakehead University program. Click here to know more)

But I woke up today at 10:30am….. The sun was shining again. Just beaming in through the creases of my curtains.

My cat Ben must have heard me stiring, and in prototypical cat like fashion lights up his motor of a purr box and decides to sit right beside my face. I’m up I’m up I say, as I mindlessly wander into the kitchen and realize that he has food and water. Either he was just being a dick or taking the time to point out who is really the master and the slave in our relationship. I walked back into the bedroom and sighed because today is….

Another day, in self isolation……..

Covid Blog #2 – As we go deep into the Northness…. * I mentally hear Rick Sanchez with an ‘and awaaaaay we go’

Except!!! Today on my schedule, a schedule that is normally filled with an abundance of nothing. I have a virtual meeting. Sweet mother of Murphy I have a purpose today!!!

I showered, almost shaved. Almost shaved…. Came close!! Put on clothes, tossed the clothes I have worn for 3 days into the laundry. Fed the cat, did dishes. Oh wondrous and glorious purpose!!! Shower on me direction and saddle me with things to do!!!

The meeting went great, worked through some of the things we are dealing with, and shared self care and coping strategies. The biggest takeaway, and don’t get me wrong because my blogs are rife with social critique, but there are a lot of good things happening. Our city’s response has been second to none, but what impresses me right now is that I am finding groups of people are coming together more. I have said this many times, that I find this city to be cold socially, almost cliquey. But we are being forced to reach out and extend olive branches, and also admit ‘hey I can’t do this thing alone’.

The group of us spoke for roughly 2 hours, during which however we began to talk about possibly running the humanities 101 program next fall online. Now I have to be honest, my stomach dropped. Maybe I have been drinking Trump’s kool-aid, or reading too much into the great statistics Canada has for combating Covid-19, but in my mind we are walking free end of April, so maybe I am just way too optimistic?

For the present, right now. I have some tasks set forth to get Humanities 101 streamlined with the potential of online delivery which ‘thank the maker’ gets me into fresh clothes everyday. I hope? Tomorrow I believe I will be at the RFDA which is the city’s food bank distributor, and helping them get food to people who really need it. Gotta put in the work, think positive and avoid negative thoughts.

I am not a fan of the age old recovery narrative “stinking thinking’ or catastrophizing so I will keep that in mind and see how April unfolds so in the meantime…..

Stay safe everyone, and look out for one another. Check back here tomorrow for another story about life in an apartment from an old guy staring at his neighbors through a peep hole.

‘Get off my lawn’

If inclined you can subscribe to me on youtube, follow me on Linkedin, Insta or Twitter.

Even better add your email to the mailing list for updates and new posts. If you want to comment, feel free to comment. Who knows, maybe I will reply? Ahhhh who am I kidding, of course I will reply. I am burdened with glorious purpose!!! And also miss human interaction.

The sun was out, temps above minus for the 2nd day in a row. Rolled out of bed, I brushed my teeth, had a long shower. Dried off, wrapped the towel around me and walked back into the bedroom.

I stared at my now empty calendar for a moment. Threw my towel on the dresser, took a deep breath and put back on the clothes I had slept in. This was supposed to be the best month as a professional that I have had in a long time. Everything now postponed, or canceled.

Another day, in self isolation……..

Covid Blog #1 – As we go deep into the Northness…. *Mentally I hear Rick Sanchez ‘and awaaaaay we go’

Thunder Bay is rather North for the most part. Now I have been all the way to Greenland and Iceland but in regards to actually residing, this is colloquially known to the rest of the world as “the middle of nowhere”.

The middle of nowhere is what brings me to the crux of this jam. The Covid 19 virus and how it has been affecting me, well not the virus per se, but how people are reacting to the virus and how that is impacting me.

You see, I mastered social isolation and social distancing long before it was trending on Twitter.

The problem for me is that I live with 7 diagnosed mental illness, which would be just dandy if they hung out in the apartment and let me do my thing. But they don’t, they all share a single occupancy in my head. Subsequently, it can be crowded and noisy. I may be a quiet person, but I have a loud mind.

I avoid people, contact, groups and crowds in my personal life. Professionally I am unable to do so, and put on what I call ‘cruise ship Jase’ the alter I used when I worked on ships and had to be on point all the time. But in my own time, I am always alone. I don’t answer the door or the phone. I engage with people on my dime, when I can handle the stimulation and am emotionally regulated. I live in a building which is rent geared to income, and houses various individuals on the mental health spectrum. So at the moment, everyone is locked in, and the hallways are alive with people. A number of them are coughing and wheezing, which makes my anxiety more hyper vigilant that normal. My a-social behavior doesn’t make me a shut in though. I am super active, I just do activities by myself. which blends flawlessly with my surroundings.

Thunder Bay, has over 100k in population, but feels considerably less because of the way it has developed. This city itself is a hallmark of social isolation and social distancing. It is like this city is allergic to itself and continues to build away from one another. I have never seen a city use up so much space. We don’t build up here, just out. The lack of tall buildings boggles my mind.

Also when compared to everywhere else I have been, I don’t find this to be the most social city. I am sorry if that hurts anyone’s feelings who lives here, but it is not. I have been to well over 200 towns, cities, villages et al. This place is very much to itself.

Now…. That isn’t a bad thing, it just is what it is. (Anyone that knows me, knows that I like living here, and knows that I am just overly critical of everything in existence.)

Combined these factors tho make containing the virus perfect, not to mention this city’s response time and people, places and things all following the guidelines. At the time of this blog we have ZERO reported cases. We have more murders than Covid. But I expected that as we do have an abnormally high murder per capita rate for Canadian cities.

The thing is, we are too efficient. Just reaching out with a few people I know who also have mental illness or various disorders. We are having a tough time, this is a new type of isolation, this is the type of isolation that breeds suicidal ideation in many folks with mental illness. All of our community supports are gone, workers, day programming, counseling. And for the most part there is no plan for this, people are left to fend for themselves, and for many who need workers to assist with their day to day living. As independent as I am, I still rely on a handful of people to assist with my existence.

I am holding onto the hope that middle of April we will be able to return to our routines and habits. But it is at a point that I am not concerned about the virus, but that mental illness will start taking people off the board. Mental health can unravel really quickly sometimes so if you know anyone that has a mental illness, please check in on them more often that you do normally. Being stuck alone and in your head is tough for folks without mental illness, but can be torture for those who do.

Stay safe everyone, and look out for one another. Check back here tomorrow for another story about life in an apartment from an old guy who constantly looks out his peep hole grumbling about sick people walking the hallways.

‘Get off my lawn’

If inclined you can subscribe to me on youtube, follow me on Linkedin, Insta or Twitter.