I have to journal log this, maybe it is a processing thing? I am unsure. I was working on stuff for my job, and had music on shuffle, being a former DJ of over 20 years —- my folder is deep.

Bob Sinclar – World Hold On

Comes on…….. I freeze up as the opening notes hit.

My time on ships was lengthy, I saw a lot. That Sinclar track was huge, the world at that time was messy. It was an anthem. I played it a lot. We had a run that landed us for overnights in Russia (St Petersburg) and it turns out there was a club that Sinclar and Guetta were playing (pre Guetta fame, Sinclar was actually the big star, I know hard to believe) We get to this club, 3 levels multiple DJs, I have the whole night and invested in that, found some Russian X and drank to match it. The lights were so bright, the songs so loud.

Trying to work from floor one to floor two, I opened a door, and what I saw was a room the size of a gym, and shoulder to shoulder was the hottest women, but all sitting down like it was a gym address about to start. It was about 300 young women in their very best Sunday dress. I step in, not knowing what I saw, only to look to my left, where a big fucking monkey with an AK47 is standing. I bow awkwardly, say bathroom? and walk out.

Thing is…… I went right back to the party and dismissed it. Out of sight out of mind. I mean how do you process that? For me at that time, I didn’t know jack about prostitution and human trafficking.

So Sinclar pipes up in my headphones, my hands raise and I sway to the beat remembering the beaches where I heard it. Singing along, and then the tears just start streaming because I start to process what I saw. The tears continued long after the song ended.

It has been a shit week, those foxes I was feeding and taking care of. One was run over by a car and lost his foot. I didn’t see it, but at the university, the only predators, are man. Their den is beside the road. The foxes have no fear of humans…. Maybe that is on me, and everyone who took them as novelties and didn’t respect their space as wild animals.

I found him a day ago at 6 pm and he came up to me like nothing was wrong, just hopping. I panicked…. But….. There wasn’t a number to call, and I watched him hobble off into the woods. Now I have felt helpless many times in my life, but I cried so damn hard because I couldn’t help.

There is extra guilt because I encouraged people to visit, even made a video. Was it my fault? No probably not, nature is as nature does. The fox with a fatal injury did his days business, still came up and recognized me, no yelp, or complaint. Looked right at me, and hopped off, cause at the end of the day the fox has to keep foxing regardless.

Meanwhile I am crying my way back home.

I am not as tough as the fox. And that is what I take from this, no matter how hard life is, you don’t quit. I live with a broken mind, and arguably a broken heart and soul. I have incurred a lot of damage over the years. But that fox didn’t blink, it was hunting for food, missing a foot. In that one moment I saw that the fox had everything I needed for life. It isn’t courage, or cultivating a strong mental aptitude. I didn’t will myself off the street. Worked hard yes, but literally put one foot after another in the right direction. The fox wasn’t thinking about tomorrow, which was why he was happy to see me. Everything is about today. make today count and tomorrow should be a decent starting block for a good day. Be wily, like the fox.

Now we go back to that song, the Bob Sinclar song. Halfway, I am going into it, the tears are rolling and the memories come back….

Today….. Right fucking now….. As I write this, because I have to purge this shit…. I have done a lot of bad things, which will get journalled here at some point as I use this space to process, and prepare for my book. Sounds arrogant that I expect a book. But what is in this head, has a book and a sequel. That isn’t bragging cause it speaks to the trauma of my life, and the people willing to buy books to read about other people’s trauma…… People always slow their vehicles to view the traffic accident.

But to let it all out….. I remember a room full of women, all sitting down. row by row. I don’t know what they were doing there, but I doubt they were gonna be popping out at midnight for Vladimirs 30th. Then I was like whatevs….. Now knowing what I do about the world, I saw some underbelly. Now I have a lot of Russian underbelly stories to speak about. But this one was something not in the plans to speak of…..

We come back to me being powerless in a moment. So in a moment, sometimes we can’t be a hero. But what we can do is talk about things, create a conversation. There was a saying I heard in treatment, your secrets make you sick. This isn’t a secret, but it is something that needs to be talked about.

On a song that was meant to inspire and provide hope, I was dancing….. Until I was crying….. Human trafficking is real, everywhere. Gangs are a problem, as someone who was affliated with a major gang, 3 of my friends were killed because of debts. Now I was asked to do a lot of bad things and got out before I died, or ended up in jail. Take care of one another, there is always a better way, even though it may seem bleak and that you got nothing.

I write this to an audience of zero, which is fine, I can PSA all I want, it is a cathartic thing. But maybe one day someone else reads this and learns something from it?

So then stay tuned for next week when we talk about…. Hopefully something better than this.

Oh wait, happy caveat. Looks like school isn’t off the table for me. The one day I am a doctor has lifeblood. The world isn’t that bad, so hold on, world hold on!!!!

Remember, black lives matter, and in my city brown lives matter, make your voice count, stand with others at a time of need. Show love, kindness, but mostly patience. We cannot understand someone else’s struggles, but we sure as shit can stand beside them as they work through it!!!!

Many songs for the time to choose from, but I want something softer. Leaving you with Outkast, Rosa Parks